Decisions, decisions

Fear cripples.

I think the hardest thing about growing up has been making decisions. And I realize now that the difficulty has usually come from my fear.

Fear of outcomes. Fear of missed opportunities. Fear of rejection. Fear of loneliness, of never getting married, of seeming prideful, or of not seeming assertive enough. Fear of upsetting someone. Fear of failing. Fear of not living up to my potential. Fear of wasting my life. Fear of being (gasp) normal.

I've come to see that at times, fear has crippled me. It's consumed me. It's deadened me to the beautiful light of walking with God.

A lot of peace comes with realizing that God is in control. It's so easy to say that. It's a song, I'm sure it's a keychain, and I'm even pretty sure it's on a t-shirt. But it's true - God uses all things, redeems all things, even uses my mistakes to prepare me for the future. I believe a key to this is asking for forgiveness when I do sin, asking for wisdom which He promises to give, and learning to walk with Him over the long-haul. Toddlers trip and fall when they're learning to walk. So do I. Massively. But over time, I walk more closely with Him. I still faceplant. My shoestrings still come untied. But He keeps me walking with Him.

A lot of peace in decision making comes with realizing that God is good. I struggle with this. I am so quick to ask God why He made me this way, or why my life is like this, and not like that.

Thank goodness Amber Gentry asked me once, "Do you see you're like the clay that says to the Potter, 'Why did You make me this way?'" Actually, she didn't say that. First, she said, "Do you see you have sin in your heart?" and THEN she said, "Do you see you're like the clay that says to the Potter, 'Why did You make me this way?"

My mind flashes to Romans 9 more and more often now. I have no right to arrogantly question God, as if I know better than Him. He knows what I need. He promises to give it.

A lot of peace comes from realizing that I am called to rejoice in so far as I share in Jesus' sufferings. In other words, I am called to joyfully live a life of obedience to God by following Christ, whose life was defined by truth and service and suffering. So much of the anxiety surrounding my decision-making has involved my self-preservation. I want to choose the best thing for me. I want to do whatever the stink I can to keep loneliness as far away as possible. I want to do whatever I can to keep my life from being boring. I want to make every effort to control my circumstances so that they will produce results X, Y and Z.

As if I knew. As if I had that kind of power. As if I could possibly fully obey God while wasting so much energy shielding myself from suffering.

The reality is I am called to emulate Christ. I am called to mimic God, who suffered as man. I am called to model myself after that God-made-flesh who was rejected, denied, sold, beaten, judged, lied to, lied about, who followed God alone, who wept, bled, was homeless, who woke up EARLY (yikes!), who was treated as more deserving of punishment than a murderer, and who was beaten, tortured, flogged, nailed, suffocated, murdered -- in obedience to the Father, for the salvation of others, for the glory of God.

Decisions are easier to make when God drives it home in my heart that I'm not to avoid suffering. I am called to live as Christ did. Which means following God to dangerous places - for my pride, my safety, my comfort, and for my oft-raging approval idol.

A lot of peace comes from looking at what I am called to do, rather than what I am trying to avoid. When I realize the general commands of Scripture: to do good, to love justice, to walk humbly with God, to love my neighbor as myself, to present everyone mature, to make disciples, to seek unity, to speak words that are edifying, to make an impact on this world that extends into the next one - that gives me a much sturdier frame of reference to make decisions with. When I realize that the God of the universe is calling me to love the woman next to me, and that because He is in control, and He is good, and He Himself loved difficult people in hard places, my desire to obey grows. My faith in God's provision for me if I take a risk grows. The peace in my heart grows because I'm thinking about the call of God, not the fear of suffering.

A lot of peace comes from realizing that no matter what, I will suffer.

In the best job in the world, which is the job I have right now, I suffer. There are days when I feel utterly insufficient. There are days when I get one piece of advice from one colleague, and a completely contradictory piece of advice from another colleague. There are days when people say not-encouraging things to me. There are days when I say not-encouraging things to other people. There are sacrifices that have to be made: of time, of energy, of the ability to hang out with my brother and sister-in-law anytime I want. But oh, this job is good, and I FIRMLY believe this is God's call for me. In this job there is joy, more joy than seems fair to have in a job! More laughter than seems possible in an office. More snacks brought in by my boss than I'd ever imagine a boss bringing. But this job is not free of suffering.

When I've made mistakes, I've suffered. I have brought depression into my life through sin. I have given satan a foothold through my anger. The list goes on. God has graciously redeemed those things.

When I've done everything the best I can, I've suffered. When I've obeyed and tried my hardest, things have seemed to fall down around me. Is my life ruined? No. Sometimes I was afraid it would be. But my life is good. I see fruit in my life. God calls me to His purpose. He never gets tired of using me. He never refuses to forgive me when I come with a repentant heart. He never stops being holy, and righteous, and good.

A lot of peace comes in decisions when I realize that God is in control, that He is good, that I am called to follow Christ, and that no matter what I do, I will suffer.

When I understand the goodness and realness of God - that He is the ONLY one that will walk with me entirely through every situation for the rest of my life... decisions get easier to make.

He is with me.

Whew.