Decisions, decisions

Fear cripples.

I think the hardest thing about growing up has been making decisions. And I realize now that the difficulty has usually come from my fear.

Fear of outcomes. Fear of missed opportunities. Fear of rejection. Fear of loneliness, of never getting married, of seeming prideful, or of not seeming assertive enough. Fear of upsetting someone. Fear of failing. Fear of not living up to my potential. Fear of wasting my life. Fear of being (gasp) normal.

I've come to see that at times, fear has crippled me. It's consumed me. It's deadened me to the beautiful light of walking with God.

A lot of peace comes with realizing that God is in control. It's so easy to say that. It's a song, I'm sure it's a keychain, and I'm even pretty sure it's on a t-shirt. But it's true - God uses all things, redeems all things, even uses my mistakes to prepare me for the future. I believe a key to this is asking for forgiveness when I do sin, asking for wisdom which He promises to give, and learning to walk with Him over the long-haul. Toddlers trip and fall when they're learning to walk. So do I. Massively. But over time, I walk more closely with Him. I still faceplant. My shoestrings still come untied. But He keeps me walking with Him.

A lot of peace in decision making comes with realizing that God is good. I struggle with this. I am so quick to ask God why He made me this way, or why my life is like this, and not like that.

Thank goodness Amber Gentry asked me once, "Do you see you're like the clay that says to the Potter, 'Why did You make me this way?'" Actually, she didn't say that. First, she said, "Do you see you have sin in your heart?" and THEN she said, "Do you see you're like the clay that says to the Potter, 'Why did You make me this way?"

My mind flashes to Romans 9 more and more often now. I have no right to arrogantly question God, as if I know better than Him. He knows what I need. He promises to give it.

A lot of peace comes from realizing that I am called to rejoice in so far as I share in Jesus' sufferings. In other words, I am called to joyfully live a life of obedience to God by following Christ, whose life was defined by truth and service and suffering. So much of the anxiety surrounding my decision-making has involved my self-preservation. I want to choose the best thing for me. I want to do whatever the stink I can to keep loneliness as far away as possible. I want to do whatever I can to keep my life from being boring. I want to make every effort to control my circumstances so that they will produce results X, Y and Z.

As if I knew. As if I had that kind of power. As if I could possibly fully obey God while wasting so much energy shielding myself from suffering.

The reality is I am called to emulate Christ. I am called to mimic God, who suffered as man. I am called to model myself after that God-made-flesh who was rejected, denied, sold, beaten, judged, lied to, lied about, who followed God alone, who wept, bled, was homeless, who woke up EARLY (yikes!), who was treated as more deserving of punishment than a murderer, and who was beaten, tortured, flogged, nailed, suffocated, murdered -- in obedience to the Father, for the salvation of others, for the glory of God.

Decisions are easier to make when God drives it home in my heart that I'm not to avoid suffering. I am called to live as Christ did. Which means following God to dangerous places - for my pride, my safety, my comfort, and for my oft-raging approval idol.

A lot of peace comes from looking at what I am called to do, rather than what I am trying to avoid. When I realize the general commands of Scripture: to do good, to love justice, to walk humbly with God, to love my neighbor as myself, to present everyone mature, to make disciples, to seek unity, to speak words that are edifying, to make an impact on this world that extends into the next one - that gives me a much sturdier frame of reference to make decisions with. When I realize that the God of the universe is calling me to love the woman next to me, and that because He is in control, and He is good, and He Himself loved difficult people in hard places, my desire to obey grows. My faith in God's provision for me if I take a risk grows. The peace in my heart grows because I'm thinking about the call of God, not the fear of suffering.

A lot of peace comes from realizing that no matter what, I will suffer.

In the best job in the world, which is the job I have right now, I suffer. There are days when I feel utterly insufficient. There are days when I get one piece of advice from one colleague, and a completely contradictory piece of advice from another colleague. There are days when people say not-encouraging things to me. There are days when I say not-encouraging things to other people. There are sacrifices that have to be made: of time, of energy, of the ability to hang out with my brother and sister-in-law anytime I want. But oh, this job is good, and I FIRMLY believe this is God's call for me. In this job there is joy, more joy than seems fair to have in a job! More laughter than seems possible in an office. More snacks brought in by my boss than I'd ever imagine a boss bringing. But this job is not free of suffering.

When I've made mistakes, I've suffered. I have brought depression into my life through sin. I have given satan a foothold through my anger. The list goes on. God has graciously redeemed those things.

When I've done everything the best I can, I've suffered. When I've obeyed and tried my hardest, things have seemed to fall down around me. Is my life ruined? No. Sometimes I was afraid it would be. But my life is good. I see fruit in my life. God calls me to His purpose. He never gets tired of using me. He never refuses to forgive me when I come with a repentant heart. He never stops being holy, and righteous, and good.

A lot of peace comes in decisions when I realize that God is in control, that He is good, that I am called to follow Christ, and that no matter what I do, I will suffer.

When I understand the goodness and realness of God - that He is the ONLY one that will walk with me entirely through every situation for the rest of my life... decisions get easier to make.

He is with me.

Whew.

God Called us to be Helpers

So, I just learned today that Oswald Chambers (1874-1917) was married for seven years. Before he died in 1917, he had published only one book. Yet today, we have 30 works in his name! How did that happen?

According to a biography by RBC Ministries, the reason we have his works today is, largely, his wife:

Although Oswald Chambers wrote only one book, Baffled to Fight Better, more than thirty titles bear his name. With this one exception, published works were compiled by Mrs. Chambers, a court stenographer, from her verbatim shorthand notes of his messages taken during their seven years of marriage.

In other words, Mrs. Chambers spent much of married life copying down her husband's messages. And then she spent a few weeks or so publishing his sermons, right? WRONG! RBC goes on to say that for the next fifty years, Mrs. Chambers "labored" to give her husband's words to the world. This further cements two ideas that God has been teaching me in the past year or so:

1. We never know how God wants to use our giftings to build His kingdom in the future, so we have yet another reason to work with all our hearts in the "small" and the "large" tasks. I doubt Mrs. Chambers was born with the revealed knowledge that she would one day need court stenography skills to bless the world with solid Biblical teaching. Maybe, but I doubt it. So, praise God that He equipped her with those abilities and then employed them for His work. Lord, may I be open to any kind of preparation You are doing in me right now!

2. Without constantly dreaming of future ministry, or bigger and better ministry, each individual should worship and serve God in the place assigned to him or her. Mrs. Chambers was a wife, and she was therefore called to be a helper to her husband. "Helping" often means laying aside all personal ambition to stand as a pillar, support, and encouragement to the one who is helped. I wonder if Mrs. Chambers had ever dreamed of another vocation - perhaps she had once wanted to excel to the top of her career.

But God had called Mrs. Chambers to be a helper. So she spent seven years taking notes on messages. Then she spent another 50 years transcribing those notes, editing them, finding willing publishers, negotiating contracts, and finally seeing those notes published.

Be the Part You Are

Let's rise above the common lie that to be a helper is to be a non-essential part of the body. Many people lie to us in the name of "dignity" and "empowerment." They teach us that a career, a hobby, or even a mere sense of personal pride are more important than laying down our lives, serving husbands, and raising children. But we have an answer for those lies. The answer is rooted in Scripture. And that Scripture finds expression in the lives of women like Mrs. Chambers, who spent a marriage - and a life - helping. Thank goodness she did.

Mrs. Chambers exemplified once important principle that applies to the married and to the single: function in the body as the part you were designed to be. For Mrs. Chambers, that meant being a married woman who served her husband well. For me at this point, it means loving Jesus with every ounce of my life as a single, as a student, and in the various roles in my church, family, and friendships.

Understanding God's Heart for Wives and Mothers Renews our Mind

It's important to understand God's heart for wives and mothers for two reasons. First, it renews our mind about the future and teaches us to view marriage with dignity. Be honest: how do you view the role of a full-time mom? I grew up around several people who made fun of stay-at-home mothers. It was as if being a mother was petty or trifiling. I even mocked girls who wanted to be wives, arrogantly promoting careers and ministry positions (as if motherhood and ministry are always two separate pursuits!). Yes, there are some moms who use motherhood to pursue comfort and vanity. Many, however, exemplify sacrifice, caring, and service to their families. The Biblical calling on a mother's life is a good and holy one. Let's not take that calling lightly. When we understand that God has called wives to be helpers, we understand that He has a precious plan for women who obey that calling.

Singleness is Not a Waiting Room

Understanding God's heart for our role as women is also important because it renews our minds toward the present and teaches us to view singleness with dignity. Most of us singles will marry. Some of us are called to lifelong singleness. Regardless, we see in Scripture that we have a calling and a purpose to serve God here, now. When a woman is married, her husband is her head - she follows him as he follows Christ. For the single woman, Christ is her head. Therefore, she is called to serve Him.

Paul encourages the church in Corinth:

"...But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain" (I Cor 15:57-58, emphasis added).

... and that was to the married and the unmarried. What a privilege! We are called to "always" abound in the work of the Lord! That means that singleness is not a waiting room where we listlessly sit around and hope to get married because then life would really begin. No! We have the blessing - the holy calling from God - to serve Him now.

That "always" means the future, ten years from now. It also means now, this minute. That's the great thing about God's promises - we don't have to wait to trust them and to act on them.

Therefore, we have several promises to claim. We take God at His word when He says in Genesis 2 that woman was made as man's helper. We trust that by faith in Christ's sinless life, death, and resurrection as our substitute, we are able to know God and be deeply known by Him. Because we have the hope of eternal life, we are victorious over death and any fear. Because we have this eternal victory with Christ, earthly sacrifice only makes eternal life sweeter. We can serve God joyfully, because we know the outcome: life.

And we have more promises to claim that help us as we walk toward that life: His power is made perfect in our weakness. What He has begun in us, He will carry out to completion. If He demands something of us, He will give us the grace to obey.

It is a precious and blessed thing to be a helper called by the Lord.

The if's of the Bible sometimes make my breath catch in my lungs.

Here are three:

For IF God did not spare the natural branches, He may not spare you either. Therefore, consider the goodness and severity of God: on those who fell, severity; but toward you, goodness, IF you continue in His goodness. Otherwise you will be cut off. -Romans 11:21-22

IF you abide in My Word, you are truly My disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. -John 8:31-32

My childhood conversion experience is not the basis for my faith. My empassioned conversation with someone five or ten years ago should not the basis for my assurance. The question is: am I abiding (present tense) in God's Word? That means reading it, believing it, submitting to it, seeing it bear fruit in my life.

Jesus is the Lord, Savior, and Treasure of the believer's heart. If He is not, I must to ask Him to become those things to me- daily and hourly.

Silence and Sin

Proverbs 15:12 "A scoffer does not like to be reproved; he will not go to the wise."

We sin because sinning is fun.

Or at least it's fun for a time. As John Piper puts it, "We sin because it holds out some promise of happiness. That promise enslaves us until we believe God is more to be desired than life itself.”

The promise of sin enslaves us in so, so many ways. Just one of the ways sin enslaves us is by making us resistant to people who will speak wisdom into our lives.

When I am struggling with sin, I can be tempted to avoid wise people. A few months ago I was struggling with a decision. I knew the objective, visible truth. I knew that I should probably make one choice, but I wanted to make a different choice.

For a few weeks I was super honest with God, but I caught myself trying to squirm out of convicting conversations with people. After all, I reasoned with my deceitful little heart, God already knew my heart. But people! People could judge me. People could talk to me. People could hold me a-a-accountable!

Thank goodness, God showed me a few years ago that we are made for community, and that means we are made to do battle together - not alone. That time around, I had learned the hard way. So this time, when I saw myself starting to avoid wise people, I made the decision to be as open as possible.

Confessing to a friend was one key step in the right direction. (Oooh, the c-word. Scary. But if you find someone who truly believes in the gospel, confessing your sins to another human being will be some of the sweetest freedom you'll ever know in a human relationship).

Here's why: confession is like a chainsaw that cuts the shakles that hold us in our sin. Confession is speaking the truth about our actions, our thoughts, and our beliefs.

The fundamental premise of sin is deception. How did Satan get Eve to eat the forbidden fruit? He misquoted God, and he got her to question what God had said. Then, he got her to question the consequences of her disobedience (Genesis 3:1-5).

To counter a lie, we need truth. If our sin is based in a lie, speaking the truth begins to break the power of the sin. We must have the truth of God's Word to expose and replace the lies we too often believe.

With this knowledge, I need to be proactive in seeking truth to apply to my life. Below are a few questions I find helpful for examining my heart. I hope you'll pray through them, too - and I pray that when answers are revealed, you will see confession as a means to freedom. Staying in darkness only brings slavery, darkness, and death. Speak and believe the truth. It brings life.

Questions to ask:

-Is there any passage of Scripture I avoid reading?

-Is there a question I hope someone won't ask me?

-Do I feel convicted around any wise person?

-Is there any place I'm avoiding because I might see people who will bring conviction into my life?

-Am I acting out of the belief that God has told me not to do something, but doing it will bring me greater pleasure than obedience?

-Do I think that I will get away with sin - that there won't be a consequence?

For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality (Col. 3:12)

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed (James 5:16)

Illusions of Safety

As I drove home home tonight, I saw the big fingers of lightning reach down across the sky. I’d seen brief flashes of lightning as I read on the dock this evening. Now, hours later, here I was on my way home after dinner and the storm was just now arriving in Austin. I thought about going to sleep, and I was a little scared (go ahead and laugh at me!). Then I realized: if I’m scared here, what on earth is it going to be like next semester? If I get an internship, I’ll be somewhere on planet Earth, and that’s literally as much as I know. If I get hired, I’ll probably be in South or Southeast Asia, South America, or maybe the African bush. In other words, I have no idea where I will be sitting 4 months from now.

And then it hit me: There’s only so much truth to this feeling of safety I have here in Austin. I mean, here, I’m safe in one sense of the word. Structures protect me: buildings, police, a justice system I've trusted my whole life. If you compared the crime reports from my neighborhood with those from a neighborhood just a little further east, you would say I am very "safe."

But this safety is deceiving. Even if my life is completely “safe,” and I never get robbed, or seriously ill, or even majorly inconvenienced, even then . . . one day, I will die. And once I do, no earthly safety will help me. Only what is truly permanent will remain.

That’s why, in another sense, I might be safer in a more "dangerous" location: I would lose the ability to lie to myself about my safety. Yes, I would be in more immediate physical danger. But my soul would probably be safer because much more of my faith would be in God, rather than in God plus the APD, or in God plus my local government, or in God plus the fact that I live in a certain neighborhood.

The Bible is replete with warnings not to fear. Tonight I read in Luke 21:34, "But watch yourselves lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a trap." Though Jesus was teaching a parable to a specific group of people at that time, the eternal truths of His teachings apply to us today. I can't help but think that my physical safety is one of the "cares of this life." One day, I'll receive an eternal body. Any suffering I may incur now will no longer pain me on that day.

So here’s to safety. Not the fleeting safety that will vanish with my last breath, but true safety: the safety that comes from an awareness of how short my life is, how fleeting anything on earth is, and the fact that faith in Christ’s death and resurrection is my only means to real life, both now and in the future. True safety is not found in a human or a piece of infrastructure.