Decisions, decisions

Fear cripples.

I think the hardest thing about growing up has been making decisions. And I realize now that the difficulty has usually come from my fear.

Fear of outcomes. Fear of missed opportunities. Fear of rejection. Fear of loneliness, of never getting married, of seeming prideful, or of not seeming assertive enough. Fear of upsetting someone. Fear of failing. Fear of not living up to my potential. Fear of wasting my life. Fear of being (gasp) normal.

I've come to see that at times, fear has crippled me. It's consumed me. It's deadened me to the beautiful light of walking with God.

A lot of peace comes with realizing that God is in control. It's so easy to say that. It's a song, I'm sure it's a keychain, and I'm even pretty sure it's on a t-shirt. But it's true - God uses all things, redeems all things, even uses my mistakes to prepare me for the future. I believe a key to this is asking for forgiveness when I do sin, asking for wisdom which He promises to give, and learning to walk with Him over the long-haul. Toddlers trip and fall when they're learning to walk. So do I. Massively. But over time, I walk more closely with Him. I still faceplant. My shoestrings still come untied. But He keeps me walking with Him.

A lot of peace in decision making comes with realizing that God is good. I struggle with this. I am so quick to ask God why He made me this way, or why my life is like this, and not like that.

Thank goodness Amber Gentry asked me once, "Do you see you're like the clay that says to the Potter, 'Why did You make me this way?'" Actually, she didn't say that. First, she said, "Do you see you have sin in your heart?" and THEN she said, "Do you see you're like the clay that says to the Potter, 'Why did You make me this way?"

My mind flashes to Romans 9 more and more often now. I have no right to arrogantly question God, as if I know better than Him. He knows what I need. He promises to give it.

A lot of peace comes from realizing that I am called to rejoice in so far as I share in Jesus' sufferings. In other words, I am called to joyfully live a life of obedience to God by following Christ, whose life was defined by truth and service and suffering. So much of the anxiety surrounding my decision-making has involved my self-preservation. I want to choose the best thing for me. I want to do whatever the stink I can to keep loneliness as far away as possible. I want to do whatever I can to keep my life from being boring. I want to make every effort to control my circumstances so that they will produce results X, Y and Z.

As if I knew. As if I had that kind of power. As if I could possibly fully obey God while wasting so much energy shielding myself from suffering.

The reality is I am called to emulate Christ. I am called to mimic God, who suffered as man. I am called to model myself after that God-made-flesh who was rejected, denied, sold, beaten, judged, lied to, lied about, who followed God alone, who wept, bled, was homeless, who woke up EARLY (yikes!), who was treated as more deserving of punishment than a murderer, and who was beaten, tortured, flogged, nailed, suffocated, murdered -- in obedience to the Father, for the salvation of others, for the glory of God.

Decisions are easier to make when God drives it home in my heart that I'm not to avoid suffering. I am called to live as Christ did. Which means following God to dangerous places - for my pride, my safety, my comfort, and for my oft-raging approval idol.

A lot of peace comes from looking at what I am called to do, rather than what I am trying to avoid. When I realize the general commands of Scripture: to do good, to love justice, to walk humbly with God, to love my neighbor as myself, to present everyone mature, to make disciples, to seek unity, to speak words that are edifying, to make an impact on this world that extends into the next one - that gives me a much sturdier frame of reference to make decisions with. When I realize that the God of the universe is calling me to love the woman next to me, and that because He is in control, and He is good, and He Himself loved difficult people in hard places, my desire to obey grows. My faith in God's provision for me if I take a risk grows. The peace in my heart grows because I'm thinking about the call of God, not the fear of suffering.

A lot of peace comes from realizing that no matter what, I will suffer.

In the best job in the world, which is the job I have right now, I suffer. There are days when I feel utterly insufficient. There are days when I get one piece of advice from one colleague, and a completely contradictory piece of advice from another colleague. There are days when people say not-encouraging things to me. There are days when I say not-encouraging things to other people. There are sacrifices that have to be made: of time, of energy, of the ability to hang out with my brother and sister-in-law anytime I want. But oh, this job is good, and I FIRMLY believe this is God's call for me. In this job there is joy, more joy than seems fair to have in a job! More laughter than seems possible in an office. More snacks brought in by my boss than I'd ever imagine a boss bringing. But this job is not free of suffering.

When I've made mistakes, I've suffered. I have brought depression into my life through sin. I have given satan a foothold through my anger. The list goes on. God has graciously redeemed those things.

When I've done everything the best I can, I've suffered. When I've obeyed and tried my hardest, things have seemed to fall down around me. Is my life ruined? No. Sometimes I was afraid it would be. But my life is good. I see fruit in my life. God calls me to His purpose. He never gets tired of using me. He never refuses to forgive me when I come with a repentant heart. He never stops being holy, and righteous, and good.

A lot of peace comes in decisions when I realize that God is in control, that He is good, that I am called to follow Christ, and that no matter what I do, I will suffer.

When I understand the goodness and realness of God - that He is the ONLY one that will walk with me entirely through every situation for the rest of my life... decisions get easier to make.

He is with me.

Whew.

Known and known and known

Since I'm writing this from Asia, I'm 12 hours ahead of my "homeland" (as the Cambodians call their place of birth). So that means I'm now 25 years and a few hours old.

That brings a lot of thoughts to mind. Namely, I can no longer eat spicy foods before I go to bed. Second, I feel like a man because of that. What consoles me? Hello Kitty bedsheets, a pink polka dotted lampshade, and the knowledge that when I'm excited about things, my voice still gets so high that I sound something like one of Alvin's chipmunks. (I say that tongue-in-cheek... the things that make a woman feminine are much deeper and much more important than the color pink and the the proper use of pearl earrings, though those don't hurt either. But I digress).

Tonight, perhaps for the first time, I wondered what God thought about my birthday.

Being overseas, I have come to appreciate my friends back home even more than I did when I was there. I had a feeling that would happen. But I had no idea how much I would appreciate their thoughtfulness on my birthday - when I checked my e-mail this morning, I had a handful of e-mails - on the morning of my birthday here. Meaning nighttime back home. Meaning my friends anticipated my birthday and sent me e-mails on their October 10th, so that I would have e-mails on my October 11th. Blew me away - thanks, to my sweet friends.

And in a similar way, but much, much bigger, God did that for me.

As I said, tonight, I wondered what God thought about my birthday - and Psalm 139 came to mind. You know, "You knit me together in my mother's womb" - those were the things that came to mind. And I was hungry to hear what God would have to say to me. Yet as those thoughts churned around in my mind, I felt something more... potent.

God knew my frailty, and He called me anyway.

God knew me, even made me. He knew that I would live a life of stumbling. I would hold the Bible with both hands sometimes, yet my eyes would dart to and fro, not focused on the pages, but on the things that can seem so much more exciting.

I would hear His promises, but I would listen to the offers I got from other places.

When He made me, He formed me, intricately, delicately, with a freckle here and a wrinkle there, pinky toenails that are nearly impossible to dab with nail polish, and this one eyelash that sometimes curls the wrong direction. Weird. He also formed me to love people, all the while knowing my tendency to be impatient, to worry about decisions, and to quite often get so scared of losing something good that I latch onto whatever it is and just about shut God out completely.

He formed me, and He called me, knowing that I would grapple with dirty hands and clumsy feet and eyes that squint at a distance, knowing that I would most fear loneliness and that I would often forget to fear my God with a respectful awe.

I forget where my awe is to be placed.

And today, when I wondered what God says about my birthday, and when the light shined through my dimness to Psalm 139 and then Psalm 40, I learned what I may continue to learn all my earthly life - God knows all of my thoughts. God knows all of my ways. God knows, God knows, God knows. I don't hide anything from Him, despite my best efforts to impress Him. He knows. I can't run. I can't hide. He is there - and for the child of God through faith, I think He's there with that loving presence that just loves, loves, loves and smiles and comes and beckons and reaches for us and waits for us to turn around and come home.

And when I turn, and when I come to Him, He doesn't see something new in me. He formed me. He knew me. He called me, this lamb who would wander from herd to herd to herd, who would look at all kinds of shepherds and try to impress them all, and who would kick and scream about leaving the reach of their rod and staff... he called that lamb, and called her His own. And in knowing her, He spoke directly to her weakness. And when He spoke, He gave the promise that she would change - but she wouldn't just change form; she would become something completely different. Where she was once a slave to the other shepherds, where she had once wandered to and fro and couldn't free herself from the dangerous herds, she would be rescued.

And when she became a slave to the good shepherd, her life might still be hard, and she might still climb rocky paths, but the difficulty would come with a promise. And even more, the growing came with a promise. And all the while, as she believed, and walked by believing, and tried by believing, and failed and walked again by believing, she would grow, and something would happen. All that believing helped, if she believed in the good shepherd. If she believed not what she wanted him to say - but if she believed what he actually said.

And so, on my 25th birthday, feeling quite old, yet not feeling quite old enough to actually be as old as I am, I am finding peace in the fact that the One who called me knew me, and that He knew me better than I knew myself at any point over the past 25 years. And He called me knowing what my life would be like, and if He knew that when He started all this mess, He knew what He was getting into, so I don't surprise Him with my failures. My mistakes don't surprise Him. My errors don't change His mind. He wants me for good. And that comes with a promise.

_ _ _

"But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 3:22

Oh how quickly I can lend my heart
To idols.

Ignoring warning signs, doubting the instructions
To wholeness, to freedom, to peace and joy

I walk, doubting, obliging, wondering, resenting the good and holy
That holds me
when no man can, nor woman would - friend, foe, family - none could understand me

Like You.

And I am left alone when I run from You to others
For try as they might
Or think as they do

That they understand me, none can, and none will, but
You.

I look to lost hours and see my crooked path
like scribbles on a road map I wander
and linger, and drive in circles
When I could be at the well, resting, working toward the goal
Instead of dawdling on the roadside

Yet how quickly Your Words wash me
and soothe me
and heal me
and bring me assurance and peace

that no man can.
And no idol will.

For idols, either the nothing-kind, or the deception of the enemy kind

leave me high and dry and alone.
But You look upon me, and You gaze, and You see the good You've done,
and I am whole
in You.

Knowing I'll run, knowing I'll forget the way, or ignore the way, and maybe in the ignoring I'll teach myself to forget

Then I'll come back and receive the balm that You pursue me

And I'll realize that my life is hidden in You.
And THAT is the goal - to take hold of that life.
To live that life.

I love You.

This'll blow your mind

...or at least it blew my mind.

In January I read this letter from Ignatius of Antioch to the Roman Church. Absolutely mind-blowing, and hopefully life-changing, for me.

Faithful to the Gospel and the God of Justice

For quite a while God has given me a love for for a specific group of women. Today I got a message from a freshman girl with a similar heart. After a few messages back and forth, she asked what majors she should pursue to be able to help that group of women. Here's my response to her.

***

...First off: check this out -http://therunamuck.tumblr.com/post/356450305/i-want-to-be-with-him-this-painting-reminds

Crazy awesome, I read the Luke psg [editor's note: Luke 6:37-50] you included in your message earlier, and it was tight [yes, I said tight. What??] because God really used it in my life today, and then I just saw that picture. God's amazing.

Second, as far as majors... that depends. There are so many things you can do to impact any kind of issue. You could major in English and help women who were involved in prostitution learn to read and write so that they can get their GED or apply for colleges (they might not have been educated). You could major in chemistry and invent a new kind of cosmetic and give those women jobs manufacturing your product. You could major in music and teach women to play instruments, thus giving them a sense of accomplishment and confidence that might carry over into their career choice. You could become a counselor to help them deal with their very deep wounds. You could become a social worker to help them learn about resources that are out there.

The question is: who has God made YOU? How is He calling you to be faithful to the Gospel? There is not one answer or formula for fixing these problems. These problems are many-faced - they're never just caused by one thing. Women can become involved in prostitution through abuse, poverty, substance abuse, economic recession, lack of education, family crisis, trafficking - and any combination of these factors.

But what's beautiful is that God is a God of justice. God is more passionate about justice than you and I will ever be. God loves those women more than you and I ever can possibly love them. And God wants to change the problem of women being in prostitution. And God's plan to fix prostitution is us - the church. We are God's plan.

Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established (Proverbs 16:3). For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. (Matthew 25:29) For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline (2 Tim 1).

Don't be afraid to try whatever it is you think God made you to do, or is calling you to do. Walk in wise community, hope in God, love the poor, do justice. You will do well!

Redemption

Oh, but God so sweetly speaks. Not only did he save His children... He chose to not leave us here alone on the earth. He teaches us, guides us, shapes us.

I was thinking tonight that I rarely, if ever, hate sin unless it hurts me. When I suffer because of sin, then I feel broken. Angry. Driven to pray and ask God to change the world which He made so beautiful but which is so tainted and broken by sin. I mean, sin messes everything up! Everything, I guess, besides the plan of the God who redeems. That's who He is.

Something I've noticed

“How different is the God of the Bible from the God of modern Christendom! The conception of Deity which prevails most widely today, even among those who profess to give heed to the Scriptures, is a miserable caricature, a pathetic travesty of Truth. The God of the twentieth century is a helpless, effeminate being who commands the respect of no really thoughtful man. The God of many a present-day pulpit is an object of pity rather than of awe-inspiring reverence.”—A.W.Pink, 1922